Relationships and Decisions and Choices

Over the last few days, it seems the theme around me has been relationships. Within conversation, one friend was processing some sadness about her former partner while another, her present one. Both turned to me for advice:  “How do you know when the person you are with is the right one for you?” “How do you know when he’s wrong and the time has come to move on?“How do you stand the feelings while you figure it all out?”

First, let me say that I am by no means an expert on relationships! However, because my peeps and I seek one another out for solution, I was compelled to give the best answer I could in both situations, “It’s not that simple. What I have learned from experience is that you know simply because you decide to and then you work within and towards that decision every day.”

 

My friends’ questions provoked powerful emotions within me, mostly ones of gratitude but also of sorrow and regret. They prompted a hope that once they make their choice they will know that whatever unfolds from that point on, will be right and true and good because that is who they are inside and because they will decide to work at making it so.

All my life, I stood in terror of making decisions. I was afraid to go right and find out later that left had been the way for me. Because of this, I lived always positioned for a move, ready to turn, as if waiting for a tennis shot; poised for either a forehand or back, but never too firmly planted on my feet; just ready, always ready. With this type of stance, it was difficult for any relationship to seed, take root, grow strong and flourish. The garden that was my life was one filled with annuals, never perennials, and I could not understand why flowers were not re-blooming year after year. Instead of planting new ones, knowing that the former’s gift had come and gone, I thought I must have picked the wrong patch of earth. Sure, I watered sometimes, but there was so much more critical work required. There were weeds to pull, soil to turn over and fertilizer to spread. Because I thought once I planted, pretty colors would be forevermore, when things went bare and brown I panicked. I did not understand.

Today, I can only wonder at how it was I believed I should always know, know Who and What and Where and When. How I thought I should be sure and certain in whatever I picked or chose. I wonder how it was that I so naively thought we all were supposed to find our custom designs out there, so easily, so surely. Did I think there were memos to help or sky-written messages from above to guide the way? Did I remain so afraid in my decisions, because I never got those memos, those messages? Was it because I felt abandoned somewhere, by what or whom I am not sure, but forgotten and left to pick my way through life on my own? It is laughable today, but laughable in the most gentle sort of way, to think about how terrified I was of getting it all wrong; the big IT of life; the guy I should be with, the career path to travel, the neighborhood to live in and the bestie to trust.

This morning, I have decided to smile with gentle kindness at all of it, appreciate the similarities between all of us fellow travelers and pass along what I have learned. I have opted to use the feelings stirred up from relationship conversations this week and remember to reach upward towards the blessed prayer of St. Francis of Assisi and its words that will guide me for the future. I choose today to head in the direction before me and to believe that help will come as I go, not in memo form, but in daily dialogue with God and His Angels.

Right here, right now, I choose to be one of the brave and decisive ones as I step out, one of the courageous ones, one unafraid to choose left with both feet on the ground or go right with everything I have inside of me. I commit to a willingness to make today’s choices gracefully and while doing so, believe that whatever they are will be good and true; because no matter what unfolds, the gifts will come in the lessons therein.

The most important choice I will make today will be once again to believe with all my heart, with absolute certainty that there is no right way and no wrong, but ever so perfectly, there is simply the way I will choose.

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PURPOSE!

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Sitting with coffee this morning my thoughts go to “Purpose.” Taking small sips while allowing the word to be my mind’s focus I breathe, in slowly, out slowly.
The house in morning stillness, that awesome quiet wonder it sits in until it wakes after I wake, there is nothing on my mind but this seven letter word. And slowly, gradually, yet within seconds, I have come to a place within this place. A home within this home I sit in and I breathe.

Yes, this place of arrival is one I have been to before, but each day there is a necessary remembering to get back here. To this place of purpose, of fulfillment, of grace.

“Purpose.”

Breathing in and out still, the coffee mug in front of me now forgotten, lungs filling to capacity and then emptying slowly only to fill again, there is a sense of awe.

And I wonder: What can be done today? What can I DO? Why am I here? I mean HERE? Is there some piece of life’s puzzle that will come to me today? Some tiny mis-shapen solution that will fit so perfectly into the reason for all of it? At least for today? A sense of ‘“yes” I have found it’ that will come to me? I wonder. And as my shoulders move up and down with my breath there comes a knowing. “Yes,”

Sitting still and focusing on this simple word, within an instant I feel source energy pulsating through me. Inside of me. Ah, the wonder at the sudden realization that blood flows even now in the stillness around me, that it is traveling through my veins, working, awake inside of me. Heading instinctively to cells and organs on a mission, with a purpose.

And there is a sense that all of it is so important suddenly. That maybe I am important. That perhaps all of the work I can suddenly feel going on inside of me at this moment, right now to sustain me is important.

Remembering the cup in front of me I am brought back to my surroundings. And the house awakens. Taking a big gulp of morning’s elixir I open the laptop and check the thesaurus – “Purpose.”

Purpose: Reason, Point, Aim, Use, Goal, Objective, End, Resolve, Persistence, Perseverance, Target, Tenacity, Principle, Idea.

This seven letter word crossing my mind this morning has put my head a little higher, my shoulders back a little taller, my brow has unwrinkled just a bit, my heart feels full. Really. And for today I know there is a reason. I know that there is something that I can do, will do that will be part of it. Part of the plan that the universe knows and holds in trust. The puzzle piece will find its way, perhaps without my knowing. But it will be placed where it goes. It may be in the corner, or in the middle, but it will go in, because I have decided to work towards it.

I am grateful. I have a Purpose. For today.