I have to laugh. I just sat and re-read my last blog. Holy blah, blah, blah. A bit wordy, but therapeutic nevertheless. Sometimes the words come out so quickly, flowing and spilling over one another into the next one so fast that it’s hard to realize that you are saying the same thing over and over. As I read it my first doubtful, fearful thought was “Oh God, what the heck would anyone think of this wordy piece?” …but then, my second thought was how damn good it felt to type every single word of it, to run my fingers over the keys as the sentences tumbled over each other. And wordy or not, I remember how much the message helps me by typing it and I smile because that truly is the point.
This whole blogging thing has been therapeutic yes, but scary too. Regarding my last blog, I’d actually written a different version earlier, but was afraid to post it because it was more specific, more raw, more blunt and because it put stuff so “out there.” I worried that it was too personal even though gracepaidforward is for the most part anonymous. The other one included references to my little sister and to some of “our” stuff. My beautiful and amazing little sister who probably doesn’t know how much of both I think she is.
I referenced her as “the littler girl,” the one I wasn’t really there for and who I didn’t protect very well and who I just didn’t have the tools yet to know how to love and honor better. The one I wanted to look like and be like and the one, the only one I know, who would ever truly understand.
I was so afraid that she would be mad at what I had typed, that she might accuse me of delving too deep into the past and that she wouldn’t like what I had written, so I deleted it. Ironically, only moments after I did I got a phone call from her telling me that she had seen the post. She sounded teary when she told me that she had read what I had written (she didn’t know I had just erased it) and that it had touched her, had made her cry. She said I should write a book. And I knew. I knew that from that moment on whatever I wrote going forward would be perfect no matter who would ever read it and no matter what they ever thought. That one moment between the two of us would be enough to make all the rest of it worthwhile no matter what.
I really love my little sister and feel truly blessed that she made that phone call to me. I love that she was willing to be vulnerable enough to do so and I really wish I had a chance to go back and do it all a bit differently. A chance to be a big sister, to be her champion. An opportunity to not spend so much time pretending I felt better in my skin than I did, so that I could spend more time telling her how wonderful she was. A chance to speak up for her and for me so that we could be better in today. Perhaps it’s not too late. And so, little sis, if by chance you get to read this blog, this one that I will absolutely NOT delete, I love you and honor you and completely and utterly understand, always. We have each other